


picture of us

by illusion_flight



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:08:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illusion_flight/pseuds/illusion_flight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To have someone doesn´t really mean having them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	picture of us

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: G
> 
> Originally written on July 8th, 2009.

_„I want a one of us.“_

 _„What?“_

 _„I want at least one of us.“_

 _„But you have already taken so many. So there is no need to try it again. You know how it works now.“_

 _“I know, but just think about it. After such a long time we don´t have any pictures where we are together.”_

 _“That´s not true. What about all the shootings?”  
.  
.  
”What?”_

 _“That´s different.”_

 _“It is not.”_

 _“Oh, come on, Totchi.”_

A slender man was sitting on a couch in his living room. He took the small pack out of his bag and emptied its content on the table. A sheaf of photos was now lying in front of him. He could hear deep tones of his lover´s bass echoing from the neighbouring room. Practicing as usual, as always.

 _Toshiya leaned against the wall in the entrance hall and waited for Shinya to come inside too. He didn´t notice sadness in his lover´s eyes. He didn´t notice the question reflecting in them._

 _“I want it. I want one picture I can look at when you are away.”_

 _“But I am here.”_

 _“You… might leave. And I want you to be with me. I want to have you.”_

 _The younger man answered, but avoided a surprised look of the other´s dark brown orbs.  
“But you have me. So what are you talking about?”_

 _The dark headed man started feeling very awkward about the whole conversation. Where it was heading to, he didn´t really want to know._

Shinya liked having his photos developed. Especially now when he bought a camera, not a digital but one of those old types. He would put them in the album or frame them. He would put only those most important for him in the frame.

 _“Just wait, wait. I am going to put it here.”_

 _The blonde exclaimed and quickly set the camera to automatic shooting. With one hand clutching tightly to his boyfriend´s hand, so he wouldn´t run away, he placed his new camera on a rack hanging on the other side of the hall where they were standing, still in their shoes, as they came from outside._

 _“But…”_

 _Toshiya didn´t have the chance to protest. It was silly. It was an awkward quarrel._

 _“Stand here. Please, only one.”_

 _Shinya´s voice was trembling. He pleaded, he begged._

 _“All right then.”_

 _Finally the older man nodded his head unwillingly and stood behind Shinya._

These were photos from the day he made his lover go out with him to try the camera for the first time. They went to the suburbs, took the younger´s dogs for a walk. It was a precious moment, precious fun. They met some kids fooling around.

“It came out nicely.” Shinya murmured under his nose when he saw a photo of a red balloon belonging to one of those children. The music from the next room became louder, more violent. The man felt strange pressure in his lungs. Just an excitement over photos?

 _“Just put on some natural expression.”_

 _“Natural?”_

 _“Smile for me.”_

 _The blond drummer felt two strong hands taking him by his shoulders. All of a sudden, instead of expected feeling of relief, doubts flooded his mind. He looked straight to the camera´s lens and tried to smile. The flash. He was blinded. Sooner than he managed to open his own eyes, Toshiya left him standing in the hall, all alone. Only him and the camera. Only him and the potential picture of the two of them._

Just before the long haired man put aside the picture preceding the last one, he took a deep breath.

 _“I want it. I want one picture I can look at when you are away.”_

 _“But I am here.”_

 _“You… might leave. And I want you to be with me. I want to have you.”_

 _“But you have me. So what are you talking about?”_

Shinya remembered their conversation from that day. Finally looking at the last photo his heart stopped for a second, maybe three. The piece of paper flied to the ground, the thin fingers let it loose. He bowed his head.

The tunes stopped and the one that had been producing them for the past hour appeared in the doorframe. Toshiya could see only blond hair falling down, protecting his lover from his sight.

“Shinya?”

There was no real interest in his voice. No real emotion, not even the fake one.

“I wanted to have one. Only one. So I can have you. But it can´t be, can it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I can never have you. Not even on the paper.”

Shinya´s voice broke down.

 _Toshiya clamped his hands around Shinya´s arms. He looked at his boyfriend´s broad back. He leaned a bit closer and holding him still he inhaled deeply. He could smell Shinya´s natural scent. He never used a perfume. He was always true to himself. He had never hidden anything. But Toshiya was different._

 _Shin told him to smile. To be there. This one time. But he could not. So he hid._


End file.
